Ex files

I should have trusted my discomfort in the beginning, I just couldn’t compete with her ex. And now I am one. When your girlfriend can’t tell you that you are the prettiest girl to her, and instead counters your insecurity with, “Well, she IS a very very attractive girl. I can’t help it.” Well, you gotta problem as second best.

What is it about being dumped that makes a girl switch from cherry coke to diet?

I wish things were more equal between butches and femmes. I wish I were more in demand.

Maybe, just maybe, this blog should be about food. And my dog.

To end, a picture of something better to remember, thanks to Lindsey’s Flickr:

(Me in blue and Robyn in virginal white in front of the Hollywood sign.) 

True colors

I witnessed white people becoming visibly upset when Barack won the election. They said it was all about him being black and all of these black people voting for him.

NEWSFLASH(ES):

1) When white men have won the seat, it has also been about race and gender. 

2) Black Americans… ARE AMERICANS. They can vote! Their voices should be equal.

3) Isn’t it about time we had someone more unifying in office? If Barack made all of these new people CARE about America and its outcome, isn’t that a good thing for this country?

It was a little unsettling to see the white agitation when CNN would pan to a group of enthusiastic black people. I had to go out of my way to announce every group of white people also supporting Obama. I’m super white! While I know a lot of people did vote for him simply because he was black, a lot of people voted for McCain simply because he was NOT black. In the end, his color does not have any genetic bearing on how he will run this country. 

Also: HOORAY OBAMA! 

Also: Fuck you Florida, Arizona, and California. I was both elated and crushed by my country. How can so many people be so divisive and hateful? Particularly in a country that just elected a bi-racial man to office… Obama will hopefully remember that when he was born, there were still many states in opposition to his parent’s union on the premise of “ungodliness and upholding tradition.”

Also: BWAHAHAHA Elizabeth Dole. Epic fail.

You gotta have faith?

I’ve been an anxious, jumpy, hand-wringing mess all day. I stood in line way before the polls opened and was one of the first in my precinct to vote. I wore all blue to piss off the cranky conservatives in my area and I ate cocoa crispies for breakfast to pre-celebrate.

I can’t wait for this to be over. I can’t wait to not have to see signs everywhere telling me I deserve to be a second-class citizen. I can’t wait to not see petty behavior such as putting a McCain or “Yes on Prop 2!” sign right in front of the opposition. (Whatever, I know I’m tooling around with a trunk load of stolen Prop 2 signs, but I leave the others. This is just a blatant show of malice and oppression that I can’t handle.) I can’t wait to not hear about how shady bitches are mailing out deceitful letters to minority voters to cause them to lose their vote. And I’ll come out and say it: the childish ones are always conservative republicans. Yeah, I’m biased, but I’m also a behaviorist. You never hear about republicans receiving letters that tell them voting is a day later for them because of the record numbers, so show up on Wednesday.

Ugh. I’m going back and forth between wanting to hole myself up this evening with some Moon River Pizza and baking some celebration chocolate chip cookies, or going to an Obama party at a politically like-minded friend’s house to hopefully celebrate.

If Obama doesn’t win… I think I will have lost faith in this country to be something I can be proud of. I will lose faith in being regarded as a human being and rightful citizen. I will lose faith in my fellow Americans for being complete fools. While I don’t believe Obama will do anything great for me personally, I also believe he won’t go fucking around with my rights. It’ll stay as it is, with the HOPE of being equal one day still there. If anything, I hope that just the presence of a minority in a place of power will encourage other minorities to band together, and will encourage some scared white folk to see outside the racial box. Maybe… racism will become un-patriotic? I hope the other civilized countries will have restored faith in us, as well.

Unfortunately, regardless of how the presidential election turns out, I am concerned with the fate of the HATEFUL props in Arizona, California, and Florida. This night will be bittersweet.

——

In other bigoted news, Forrest Highschool has decided to keep their school’s name, despite the fact that the school was named after a prominent member of the white supremacist group KKK. Their reasoning: pure laziness and wanting to “celebrate confederate heritage.” I josh you not. Because, you see, confederate heritage is worth celebrating when it was clearly about slavery and oppression. Forrest is a predominantly African-American school – nice message to send to those kids.

Honestly,

It does bother me when people eat meat in front of me. I am grossed out by people reveling in tearing apart patches of muscles and sinew. But what I am really beginning to get irritated with is:

“I’m sorry, I just love meat too much to give it up!”

“What you’re eating would be a lot better with some steak.”

“No, I don’t want to know what happens to the animals. I love eating chicken!”

“Better eat up, BBB, before you have to go back to eating vegan at her place!”

The innuendo is there that I am living a deprived life, and that my girlfriend is suffering because I don’t char corpses for her. I am not hungry. I am not sad that everyone else is eating ice cream sandwiches riddled with pus and chemicals. I take care with my food and am proud that I feed the ones I love meticulously prepared and planned for dinners. Personally, I do not feel like the vegan freak. Instead, I view my peers as the morbid anomalies who would rather enjoy a bite of muscle and leukocytes than spare a life. I despise willful ignorance, the people who claim to love animals and compartmentalize cats and dogs from calves, chickens, and pigs. Their suffering is the same! They feel the same pain! Who the hell are you to put a moment of chewing and swallowing above the (heinous) DEATH of another being? Can you imagine your pet being raised in a crowded cage without enough room to turn around, living in a sea of shit and then herded into slaughter at under three years, hung upside down, throat slit and tummy eviscerated while it is still alive? Boiled alive to remove its feathers? 

Every human should have to watch Earthlings or take a tour of a factory farm and slaughterhouse. 

California’s Prop 2, while revolutionary, won’t make HAPPY MEAT. Nothing will ever be happy to die for your hedonistic luxury. Farm animals won’t be able to frolic in fields and enjoy a torment free two years before being slaughtered in the same horrifying way. They will be afforded a few more inches. If no one else is disgusted that others are fighting against the ability to let animals move their limbs before you rip the muscle from them, you are not human. Life is not a commodity or unit of production. These are sentient beings with the ability to feel pain, to be satisfied, to be terrified, and to be completely bored.

Once your eyes are open, you can’t close them. 

Even if you are uncaring about the atrocities which bring you your precious steak, the toll on human life and living is great. The amount of fresh water and cropland used to raise a pound of flesh could be used to grow sustainable crops for human consumption. The pollution created by factory farms is tremendous. Human workers in factory farms work under some of the most nauseating and dangerous conditions. 

When you invite me over to dinner, don’t be melodramatic and pine about “What CAN you eat?!” – uh, I eat vegetables, fruits, grains. Also, it wouldn’t kill you not to eat meat for one meal. You won’t die, and I’m living proof. You can borrow a cookbook.

Florida Tea Party

This November, Florida voters will get the chance to bang another nail into a dead horse with Amendment 2.

The precise language of the proposed amendment is:

Florida Marriage Protection Amendment

“Inasmuch as a marriage is the legal union of only one man and one woman as husband and wife, no other legal union that is treated as marriage or the substantial equivalent thereof shall be valid or recognized.”

Besides the ludicrous name, what bothers me is the outright animosity and fang bearing of a group of ignorant assholes who are reacting in a knee-jerk fashion to what they believe makes them morally superior. If anything is a choice, it is religion. I’ve come to realize that I have my own knee-jerk reactions to anything and anyone labeled “Christian.” When did this happen? I identify with Christianity, but even I can see how there is no logic to defending the denial of civil rights and the demoralization of a group of people based on the Old Testament. I mean, have you READ the Bible? A few passages away from the infamous Leviticus damnation of lying with man is a virtual novel on the unclean nature of women and how they should be cast away in their crotchblood shame. Daughters are to be traded and sacrificed as property. Pork and other popular foods are tainted with filth and those who work on the Sabbath should be killed immediately. My mind explodes with this “choose your own adventure” approach to the Bible. People only directly interpret passages which damn others and sanctify themselves.

Really? You would go so far as to deny any chance at equal rights for a tax paying group of US citizens? You mean to tell me that people on death row convicted of the murder and rape of children get rights that I don’t? Am I being taxed… without representation? Oh Lord, I’m about to get my tea on in the St Johns. Most importantly, What Would Jesus Do? 

Alas, I tangent. What I really meant to say was: why another statute to ban this most scary of plagues? Florida already has 3 statutes on the books that expressly forbid gay marriage.

From Florida Statute 741.212 (1):

“Marriages between persons of the same sex entered into in any jurisdiction … domestic or foreign … or relationships between persons of the same sex, which are treated as marriages in any jurisdiction, whether within or outside the State of Florida, the United States, or any other jurisdiction … or any other place or location, are not recognized for any purpose in this state.”

From Florida Statute 741.212 (3):

“For purposes of interpreting any state statute or rule, the term ‘marriage’ means only a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife, and the term ’spouse’ applies only to a member of such a union.”

And Florida Statute 741.04 (1) prohibits any judge or clerk of the court from issuing a marriage license “unless one party is a male and the other party is a female.”

Doesn’t that seem like a little bit of overkill? And secessionist if you count the line that says a marriage recognized federally will not be valid in Florida.

WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF? In one breath gay men and women are criticized for being hedonistic sexpots who cannot form cohesive and long lasting relationships which are beneficial to children and in the next you are preventing these sexpots from suffering like the rest of you in a sexless marriage held together with strained vitriolic whispers for “the kids.” If anything, it should be a testament to the true devotion, love, and genuine nature of gays and lesbians that they choose to devote themselves to one another and overcome insurmountable injustices, negative judgment, poor legal retaliation, and the lack of thousands of rights instantaneously granted to one man and one woman who may have just drunkenly met and fucked in Nevada. Righteous.

If someone were concerned about protecting marriage, they would deny everyone the right to divorce. 

I only have so much room in my trunk for stolen “Marriage: One Man, One Woman” signs. I hope you all are enjoying your own guerilla lawn warfare.

Girlfriend

BBB and I have been “itemized.”

I’ll reiterate that this whole dating locally thing has been awkward,  fitful and frustrating, but exhilarating. It was like a constant hokey pokey – DO I put my right foot in and shake it all about, or should I let her initiate foot shaking? Why am I so awkward? Where are my boundaries? I’ll admit that I could never let myself just enjoy the process of getting to know her and instead viewed things as a mental checklist and a game of chess. In long distance affairs, you build up this great connection mentally and emotionally. When you finally meet it is a cyclone of activity and joy and you are sure the other person is into you. AND you have sex. But there is also the overwhelming pressure of “what now?” Who will eventually make the move? Who can afford the next plane ticket? Who can take the time off work?

BBB is old fashioned and old school. She asks me on dates, won’t let me touch a door handle, pays for everything (much to my guilty chagrin), and always leads when we dance. Even though we had been dating regularly for many weeks, I was still awkward with what to expect from her, and from dating. In the past my relationships were hurried and immediate. We got to know each other after we committed to monogamy. (In hindsight, I can see where this may have been a bad idea. A bad, but very romantic, idea.)

I was going to a local bar last week to catch up with a sporadic friend and casually invited BBB. She had plans to go out dancing with her own friends, but put out the vague possibility of her being there beforehand. Realizing this would be the first time in a lesbian bar since dating one another, I went all out with the wardrobe and teetering heels. I was not going to be shown up and I wanted to make sure I’d have all of her attention. After a few (quite a few) drinks, we haphazardly danced around to “Paint Me a Birmingham” (embarassing!) when she stopped and asked if I would be her girlfriend.

Of course I would! Not quite the climactic finish I was hoping for, but sweet. I later wondered if she would have asked me if we hadn’t randomly ended up there together. Had she planned to and was just waiting for the right time? Or was she caught up in the emotion of a slight gay man twanging out country karaoke? Oh well. The next day she woke up sick as hell, our new status un-consummated. I tentatively asked if she remembered last night and if she still wanted it. She’s stuck now!

I still feel as if I’m walking on eggshells. I haven’t been in an actual relationship for quite a while and I don’t know what liberties I can take, and what import I have in her life just yet. I still choke on the word girlfriend and am hesitant to insert myself into her life on such a fixed level. I need to work on not being so self-effacing.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I’ve realized that my “life stages” are connected to the cars in my life. The blue metal boat of a Buick my mom carted me in until I was 5, the red Reno I lived in during the summers with my parents (I still remember the feel of the yellow melted crayon in the backseat), the blue ford station wagon that lasted me through highschool, and finally… my beloved black hyundai elantra that had a history of bad luck.

I should be happier to have a new car. After months of excruciating car shopping with my father I signed the papers for a new 2008 magnetic gray Nissan Sentra (see: Edmunds). But on the way home in my new ride, I couldn’t help but reflect on the good times me and Hyundai had. She was my first brand new car and she was with me from my first semester at college, many burgeoning and failed relationships, spontaneous trips, graduation, jobs, drunken old ladies tearing down its side, break-ins… I never noticed how fast the time went by. Leaving my old car behind in my parent’s driveway to be picked up by charity nearly brought me to tears as I felt this transition to be the loss of my adventurous early twenties to the overwhelming anxiety that came with a new bill and the pressure of my late twenties. 

This new car is foreign and strange. There are no memories here and I feel as if a blank slate has been forced upon me. I’ve been feeling bereft lately as I experience something and immediately think to visit my best friends to share with them, but have to deal with the ice bucket of reality as I reach for the phone. I’m having a quarter life crisis!

At least I don’t have to drive around with a poorly taped trashbag over the window any longer.

Twitterpated

I woke up this morning in the same manner I fell asleep: completely disheveled, exhausted and wrapped in the arms of BBB.

Looking back… things have been rough. We’re no Lindsey and Michael, but now I feel as if things are becoming even. We see each other more days than not and the days that I don’t see her are lackluster. Sleeping without her holding me to her is fitful and certainly not as pleasant. Even having to pry her death grip from around my waist is a welcome treat in the morning. She’s been more demonstrative verbally and physically with how she feels about me, but I’m still very guarded and unassuming.

I’ve attempted to tie up my loose ends and I’ve officially taken myself off the market. If this could become a relationship I’d really like it to, but the jaded spinster in the back of my head knows that at any second things could take a turn for the worst and I’ll get that random, “we need to talk” call (or God forbid, TEXT) that will end with her professing the new-found love of her life. It has been known to happen. To me.

As I type all of these female pronouns I feel incredibly lesbian. Gay, even. I realized last night that BBB is the first female identified, feminine pronoun preferring, lesbian aligned person I’ve dated since 2002. She shaves her legs and armpits religiously (which I’ve never experienced in a partner), and there is a little tube of body wash that is not Bath and Body Works Warm Sugar in my shower. I wonder, will this validate me in the lesbian community? How long can I avoid petty drama? Hm. Don’t get me wrong, she is undeniably butch and can make me fall to my knees in a swoon in the wink of an eye. I’m not under the impression that a hard bar of soap and hairy legs make the butch. It is just… different for me.

Dating locally is also new and awkward for me. I’m thrilled every time it dawns on me that I can feasibly see her within the hour if I really needed to. There is no emergency and no feeling of urgency to cram everything in. We can relax on the couch all day watching movies and slarfing around and I don’t feel as if that day was wasted. She easily includes me in her plans, as I do her. My vibrator is collecting dust. I’m spending more money on cute dresses and shoes to keep my A game going.

I’ve also been enjoying flexing my culinary muscles for her. I feel some pressure to be the ambassador of veganism and I worry that if something flops she’ll be concerned about her gastronomic future with the tofu maiden. Surprisingly, she has never dated a vegetarian or vegan, so at least she isn’t jaded about that. (Though she has had to defend me and her enjoyment of my food to eyerolling friends and coworkers.) She ate my homemade seitan last night and did all of the dishes after Vegan Vendetta night. If that isn’t romance, I don’t know what is.

As I type, she is still blissfully asleep in my bed, with the only keys to my apartment. I… trust her.

Roots

Apparently, you can take the girl out of the backwoods, but the backwoods will always find the girl.

Two things:

1. I watched football. Not once, but twice. (Go Gators!) At first, this was a legitimate interest of mine. I really wanted to get involved in some sport to enjoy the camaraderie and football seemed as good as any. (What this turned into, however, was me luring Best Buy Butch to my place so I could swoon over her watching the game.) This weekend was the Miami vs Florida game and I had a lot of friends over to watch with us – it was fun! I made my, uh, famous bean dip, ordered vegan pizza, made chocolate dipped pretzels, and drank BEER. You read right, BEER. Ok, whatever. It was pomegranate raspberry Michelob, but it is more beer than anything I’ve ever imbibed. My new officially sanctioned College team are the USC Gamecocks! Teehee.

2. I’m on a bowling league. I completely forgot I had nonchalantly committed my time to bowling with my dad a few months ago, and yesterday is the start of 34 weeks of bowling every Sunday with two other strangers. Luckily, I was still on my “I watched Football – AND what?” high and re-wore the Gators shirt my friend had gifted me with. I fit right in. I’m uncomfortable committing all of my Sundays until May, but it might be fun. Our snappy team name: Just4Fun. My Hello Kitty ball is killing, though. I’m anxiously awaiting the arrival of my official bowler’s card in the mail.

2a. You are obligated to high five or low five someone in your immediate vicinity if you or someone else has made a spare or strike.

2b. You are somewhat obligated to fist bump/give pounds to someone who narrowly misses a spare or had a tough break. This is the bowling equivalent of basketball’s “brick.”

Good News/Bad News

Bad News:

Best Buy Butch called me Thursday night asking me if I wanted good news or bad news first. I just knew the bad news was that she either got back with her ex, met someone new, or had accepted the job in Tennessee and was moving within the week. I asked for the bad news first… she had not been chosen for the position in Tennessee. I know how disappointing it can be to have your heart set on a fabulous new job with higher pay and more advancement opportunity and to not get it.

Good News:

She won’t be moving (anytime soon) to Tennessee, and she mentioned that maybe this was meant to happen. (Later I found she believes in destiny.) Her good news was that she was looking forward to a hot date with a pitbull mama. Does this mean I might actually get to experience real time dating? Like, the kind our great grandparents engaged in with porch swings, lemonade, and regular physical contact? It kind of makes me nervous.

Bad News:

My car got broken into on Friday night when I was out enjoying a ladies night with a friend. The window was smashed and my purse was stolen. Later I found that this also meant my birth control was stolen (which triggered another round of bloodloss) and my favorite lipsticks. (ETA: They also managed to squeeze in a $60 gas charge before the card was shut off. The bank told me they tried at multiple other locations, as well. What I don’t understand is that it was a debit card, and everywhere I’ve had to use it requires me to enter my pin. This is why I don’t believe in the inherent goodness of mankind.)

Good News:

I ferret my most important items away in different locations because of the fear of being robbed. My keys, cell phone, ID, and credit card were still in the car (my debit card was stolen, but I cancelled that immediately). This was also the most polite car robbery, as only the smallest window was smashed, and they only took that one thing in a hurry. I also filed my police report the next morning and a lesbian cop came to my door. I thought they only existed in fairy tales! Sadly, it did not turn into sexy times and we were probably in mutual agreement that we were not each other’s type.

Good News:

Best Buy Butch came over to watch the Hawaii/Florida game on Sunday (I DVR’d it). She wore her own football jersey from when she played on a local team and was totally psyched most of the game (yelling, fist pumping, eyes gleaming) which was completely swoonable. She came over to tutor me on the basics of football and beer drinking (and brought me pomegranate flavored michelob ultra – ha). Afterwards I ambushed her with my favorite movie, V for Vendetta, and waited for a reaction. V for Vendetta can be a deal breaker for me, but to my relief she enjoyed it. We flirted heavily.

Bad News:

She engaged in my biggest lesbian pet peeve: talking about other women. She brought up dating a head cheerleader and when inspecting the movie case commented on how hot Natalie Portman is. And while I agree, yes, she is attractive, can you please focus on the girl right in front of your face? I find it kind of disrespectful. It ate at me the rest of the night after she left. Also, no moves were made! I was disappointed that she didn’t kiss me, and that plus the mentions of other girls made me wonder if she was attracted to me.

Good News:

I brought it up when she called me next. I do really like her, but I can’t continue to date someone who makes me feel in constant competition with every other woman. She really seemed to listen and agreed to not make those comments around me. She had actually called to tell me that she had a great time with me, and always does, and that she thinks I’m gorgeous and that she wished she would have kissed me that night. She talked me through a tense spider-in-my-room situation. I feel positive about things with her and look forward to seeing her next (hopefully this Wednesday for Vegan Vendetta Night). I’m hoping the setting-things-straight talk will have been our final hurdle to Makeoutville.

Good News:

In the tumultuous time between talking about other women and setting things straight, I met up with a few friends for dinner… which included a set-up situation involving myself and a woman I had noticed out and about a few times before. After dinner we all parted ways, but she came back to my apartment with me (no “ooOOOooos” yet!), and we talked about lofty academic things. I am physically attracted to her, and the way she talks chemistry turns me on. She has my number and said she’d call me for a date sometime this week.

Bad News:

Something was missing. Most importantly, I highly doubt she identifies as butch which is a key element for me. She also admitted to thinking I was straight and is actually still uncertain, which threw me for a loop. How does one prove they aren’t straight? I’m femme, dress happens. When talking to her I got the feeling that she was out to prove something, like we were in a battle of the brains. She crafted a huge elephant in the room a few times. And, of course, later that night was the call from BBB. I am potentially flirting with disaster, as casually dating is anathema to the lesbian community. I want to hold on to BBB more then ever, she’s all I can think about now.